I awake every morning with hope of a new day, new chances, and new opportunities. Every now and again I will wake up in peace, fully rested, to a silent household, empty of companionship but full of positive energy and endless possibility. More often than not, however, I awake to negative energy, stress, and a heaviness which is difficult to shake and is often carried in my neck and shoulders throughout the remainder of my day. The weight makes the days long and painful, forcing my body to cave and close down instead of opening up to others and focusing on all that is beautiful in the world around me. I do not wish by any means to be anyone's emotional vampire, to drain the happiness from them that they wish to share with others. The Buddha once said, "Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." That is truly beautiful. I seek to live by this idea and to improve the world around me to the best of my ability. Even if I spend five minutes every day complimenting, encouraging, or loving someone other than myself I will feel accomplished.
"Do not take the thatch from your own roof to buy slates for another man's house." -Irish Proverb
Often times, however, I find that I extend my love and energy outward, forgetting to channel a little inward to give myself the strength to continue to support those in need. The Buddha was a wise soul indeed, for his words once again help to carry me through life's journey. "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." is my mantra for this week. I must continue to remind myself that although the rest of the world may tell me otherwise and despite the minor misfortunes in this particular phase of my existence, that I am not worth giving up on. Seeking the approval and love of another is far too much to ask of them. They have their own journeys to embark on, their own battles to overcome. To demand anything of anyone is selfish. My goal over time is to develop a grounded sense of self and therefore be able to interact with others with the selflessness which they deserve.
"A windy day is the wrong one for thatching." -Irish Proverb
Wisdom does come with experience. I have learned of my faults and weaknesses and wish to overcome them. I am notoriously stubborn and often times struggle with impatience. I have a childlike enthusiasm and deeply rooted determination which I find to be a dangerous combination. I fling myself headlong into projects, relationships, and ideas, often gaining speed too quickly and falling head over feet as I roll down the hill once traction is lost for even a moment. I take my personal falls hard and with fierce determination often attempt to charge back into whatever went wrong at full speed to make up for lost time. This would be fine if the journey of life were a race, but from what I have learned, it is a train chugging along in its own time.
"No forcing the sea." -Irish Proverb
I like to draw the analogy of traveling to New York City from my home. The train is a sure bet. It leaves at the same time and always takes approximately 50 minutes to reach New York. It is slow and steady, accurate and reliable. The bus, however, is always a gamble. Depending on traffic, the route, the passengers, and the driver, the bus may take anywhere from 15 minutes to 3 hours to reach Port Authority. Even with careful timing and close attention to patterns, it is still a gamble. I am often impulsive and hasty. I almost always take the bus or shall we say, the risk. I have never been one to settle for something reliable. In fact, I have never been one to settle at all. Over time, however, I have learned to slow down. I still take the bus because that is where I feel most comfortable, but have given up on checking the times and placing bets. I have accepted that the bus will arrive in its own time and I appreciate every minute of the trip for its silence and peace so that I can read and relax. I realize now that I must develop my patience with other aspects of my life as I have with the bus to New York City. I must learn to appreciate more of the journey.
"You must empty a box before you fill it again." -Irish Proverb
I have taken this time to reflect inward and am respectfully backing away from those around me to whom I have caused any level of stress or concern. I have accepted that time does indeed take time and that if I continue to push so hard to move forward, that I will eventually push those who truly matter away. I have found peace and love in those around me and do not wish to have that beauty slip away. I must first heal the wounds within if I wish to welcome and embrace such happiness.
"Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul." -Ezra Taft Benson
And these are my intentions: to focus on my needs and love myself more. to develop a selfless attitude toward others and to love and respect them for who they are and not what I need of them. to realize that I need nothing from anyone and to appreciate and enjoy their company. to think positively and understand that the negativity around me is not caused by me and should not be absorbed or taken to heart. to open my heart and love unconditionally. to be more mindful. to breathe into every aspect of my life and to await the arrival of patience and wisdom.
I will leave you with my favorite Biblical quotation:
"Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." (James 1:2-4)
